I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize