whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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