remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
