that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize