being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
