He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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