I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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