sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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