Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It's Friday. Sex?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
