Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize