Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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