threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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