I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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