so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize