I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
