i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
