cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
