The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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