Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
