I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't deserve a penis
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize