she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
