I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
