Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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