There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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