My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
