my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
