she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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