Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
