whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Is it because I queefed?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
