I wish I could teleport
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
