Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
