He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
