On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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