the new term for farting is butt boxing.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
