I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
