remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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