maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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