1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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