i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
