at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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