i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
third nipple confirmed
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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