The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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