I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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