Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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