Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
