i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The best revenge is premature balding
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I love you. Go after that dick
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
