my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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