Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
