the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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