Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
