I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
