When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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