i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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