it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
