He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
