He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
