Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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