Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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